Out Of My Mind
by miarae
Summary: After leaving for Belize, what happens to Riley? One thing is certain: he won't end up marrying Sam!


**Title:** Out Of My Mind

**Summary: **After leaving for Belize, what happens to Riley? One thing is certain: he won't end up marrying Sam!

**Disclaimer: **if I owned anything I would have made Riley reappear on the show, so sadly, no I don't own anything!

* * *

I scribble letters to her. Letters I know I'll never send. I tell her about how I am, about the addiction I slowly get rid off. There are still vampires here to give me that rush, but leaving her gave me some sort of peace I now no longer have to seek from them. It's been five months since I left her and only part of me still yearns for her. The distance there now is between us gave it all some perspective, and I am slowly rebuilding my life and career, until I turn into someone I can once again be proud of. I now know that I couldn't blame everything on her. It wasn't her being the slayer or me being a soldier, it was us, two human beings who just couldn't work out their differences. Between slaying and patrolling, our personal problems were too big to overlook. Her sister and mother needed her, and she was too scared to rely on anyone. I understand now. It still hurts but I know that this was for the best.

Most days I write short letters, inbetween fighting. Belize is doing me good. I forgot why I was a soldier, but now I remember again. I want to keep the world safe. I want to help people, and kill demons. Being under command of Maggie Walsh changed the way I looked at things, until I turned into a person I didn't really want to be. I didn't want to follow orders I couldn't accept, and my whole being protested against the experiments she carried out on us. Right now I remember again why I joined the Initiative. I fight, I kill demons, and my old strength is resurfacing. The real strength I possessed, not the fake kind Walsh gave us through medication. When I fight I can take my anger out on the demons, and after fighting I feel tired but fullfilled.

Sometimes I let my mind drift back to the past and wonder where things went wrong, or if they hadn't ever been right to begin with. There is one moment I can remember, one thing that happened that changed the way she looked at me. Faith. Or, to be more accurate, sleeping with Faith. I think, unconsciously, I knew that it wasn't Buffy I was holding that night. Buffy always fought herself out of my arms in her sleep, I guess it was an unconscious thing she did to be prepared for battle. When I held Faith after we had sex she snuggled deeper into my arms and held me like I was the one to leave. She trembled and I whispered sweet nothings in her ear, things that made her cry a little. At the time I didn't understand, but now I do. She was scared that I could love her. That I could forgive what she did and love her for who she really was.

Sometimes I wonder if I could. What would have happened if I didn't listen to Buffy's ranting about how Faith was. How evil she was. Everybody makes mistakes, but when you're close to Buffy you're not allowed to. I can't blame her for that though. She can't take the risk of overlooking potential danger. She's there to eliminate it, and everything that doesn't work with her works against her. One time, long ago, I was like that too. I don't know exactly when it changed, but I came to understand that there isn't just black and white. Their is grey too. Love and hate, but also a mixture. I loved Buffy, but sometimes I hated her for making me feel the way I did. I hated vampires, but I loved what they made me feel, even if I ended up feeling guilty and dirty.

* * *

I feel sorry for Faith. She's in prison now, and she will never experience forgiveness again. She won't be taken up in the scooby gang anymore, and I can't even begin to imagine how alone she must be in that cell. I wonder if she feels guilty, if she prays for a new start. I wish I could help her, but I know I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't know if she wanted to.

That's how I usually pass my days. Fighting and writing and thinking about the way things went and what's in store for me. I wonder if I will find someone someday, someone I can truly love like I thought I loved Buffy. And I wonder if she will love me back, not the affection Buffy undoubtedly felt for me, but the real passion and love I experienced with Faith that night. It was more than just a quick fuck, so much more. When I looked into her eyes something just clicked. I never admitted it to Buffy, but it was the best sex I ever had with what I thought was her. It was rough, wild, yet with an undescribable tenderness. The look she had in her eyes made me shiver.

I ripple the paper I was writing and stuff it in my backpocket while stretching out. A quiet jawn escapes my mouth and I wonder how much time passed while I sat here on this rock, staring out over the forest and occasionally taking a glimpse at the paper on my knees. Sitting here, just staring into the dark, makes me feel peaceful. After a long day of fighting I need some alone time. To think, to process everything that has happened and all the feelings I feel again. I've been feeling dead for so long that almost every feeling is new to me. Joy, when I am laughing at a stupid joke with Graham, pride, when my team succesfully takes down a demon. Sadness when I realize that I almost lost this all. Longing, for something I can't really put into words.

* * *

I'm not surprised when I hear a voice behind me. I had felt her presence a few minutes earlier, and it seemed to make sense that she was here exactly when I was thinking about her.

"Faith"

I acknowledge her presence, my back still turned to her.

"You don't seem surprised that I'm here"

"I'm not"

I reply truthfully. Deep inside I sensed that she was coming. She wasn't prison material, and I knew that I was the closest thing she had to a friend. Funny, considering the fact that she opened my eyes to the doomed relationship I had with Buffy. I should hate her. But I don't. I can't.

"Been in contact with B?"

Unvoluntarily I tense. She doesn't know about what happened. I know I could tell her that Buffy and me broke up, but if I don't tell her why she'll assume it had something to do with her. It didn't. And in a way it did. But I don't blame her. If anything, I am grateful.

I can't tell her about the vampires either. It's too personal. She won't understand. Or maybe she will, which is a thought that scares me even more.

"No"

I reply, shortly hesitating before adding

"I broke up with B...Buffy"

She stays silent for so long that I wonder if she left. I don't move an inch though, partly because I'm scared that her face has a pitying look on it; one I definitely could do without.

It almost feels agsint an unspoken rule to talk to her now that she hasn't replied, but I have to know.

"How are you doing Faith?"

"Five by five"

I grin.

That night I sleep like a log for the first time since I arrived in Belize. For once I don't exactly know what the following days will bring and I love it. I love the excitement I feel about seeing her again in the morning. Love having something besides killing demons to wake up to. I don't know why she's here or what happened that set her free but I know I'll hear it eventually. I know she'll be here in the morning, and for now, that's enough.

**Review please!**

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**A/N **Okay I hope you guys liked this a little. I always wanted to write a Riley/Faith story but up until recently I didn't have an idea to work with. But now it dawned on me and I hope I can make this story worth reading!


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